fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
