Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
