You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
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He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
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Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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