i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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