Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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