I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
