my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
