She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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