everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
