i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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