I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
