Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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