he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I need a beard to bite.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
