Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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