well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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