i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
