Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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