My girlfriend figured out who you are.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
