Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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