I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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