You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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