remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?