If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.