is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
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All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
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And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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