o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
