While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
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I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
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Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize