hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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