tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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