I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
