FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
