I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
