I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
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If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
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What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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