His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
