Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
