my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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