Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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