Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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