This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
