Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
