would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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