i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
