It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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