Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Randomize
