You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
