Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
