take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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