you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
