I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
