I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
