Your face is a jimmy john
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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