Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
