Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
