I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
