How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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