my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.