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Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
he fucked my hip out of place.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
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