Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
